Settling in, and 40 before 40

Moving is hard.  But for some reason it was extra hard this time, and I can’t figure out why.

Compared to most people, I don’t have a lot of “stuff”, but compared to my ideal self I have way too much.  I spent a lot of time packing, unpacking to purge stuff, and repacking during the past week.  I still have a long way to go, though.

The past two days I’ve been settling in and trying to figure out my new routine.  I can’t stock my kitchen yet because there isn’t much cabinet space, so I’ve been eating takeout so far.  I know this will change, so I’m not sweating it too much.

I feel like my cats are happier here already.  They’ve been running around and playing again, which I haven’t seen them do in a long time.

Walking to the store at 7am the other day was my favorite thing so far.  The sun was just coming up and the mountains were in the background.  There were very few cars on the road and it was just quiet.  I can’t wait for it to start snowing.

But today, my fourth day here, as I’m finally starting to feel like this is my home, I’m also feeling like I don’t want to get off the couch.  I’m way less self-conscious here but it still takes effort to put my face on and get dressed, especially when my comfortable pants are in the laundry basket and I no longer have in-unit laundry.

I have a lot of challenges to overcome, and I have to start making changes now, before my old ways dominate the new chapter of my life.

I’ve made a TODO list of things I want to accomplish during my time here in Vermont.  Some of it is fun but most of it is self-improvement.  My main goal is “40 before 40”, meaning, lose at least 40lbs before I turn 40.  That’s totally within my reach, so it’s up to me and me alone to make that happen.





I would bet money that I have the weirdest eating habits out of anyone else I know.

Ever since I was a wee little skinny kid, I was eating the weirdest shit.  While other people craved ice cream and chips, I craved things like salad dressing and sour cream.  I would eat cream cheese with a spoon.  I never ate cereal, pancakes, waffles or even eggs for breakfast.  I’d eat kielbasa with cheese or canned mac n cheese.

I told you it was weird.  But I was a teeny, tiny little thing and no one ever told me that I should stop eating this or that.

As much as I’d like to believe that I’m an adult who makes better decisions, I’m not.  Habits that have been ingrained since childhood are so hard to break, and this is just one of the many struggles I now face.

I definitely attribute my weight gain to the various medications I’ve been on in my lifetime.  Back when I started SSRIs about 20 years ago, no one knew how they interacted with our gut microbiomes.  Even now it’s not widespread information.  But if you look back, my weight gains and losses absolutely correlate with going on and off meds.  I started Prozac again in January 2018 and since then I’ve gained 25lbs.

But I also fully realize that my disgusting food habits don’t carry over very well to adulthood, as metabolism slows down and life gets in the way of daily exercise.

I’ve been daydreaming about how when I move to Vermont the weight will just fall off and all will be well in the world.  Of course, I know that’s not the case, but I do think that being in a different setting with new surroundings and a chance to wipe the slate clean will kickstart new habits and a healthier lifestyle.  I’ve already started weaning off the Prozac, so fingers are crossed that that helps as well.

If I can get through the stress of packing and moving without dying of a cheese overdose, I think I might just be OK.

10 more days.

Turning the page

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog.  But since a chapter of my life is ending and another one is beginning, I thought it fitting to resurrect my logs.

Here’s the deal.

I’m still where I was when I started this blog.  Far too overweight, not exercising, and spending too much time in front of screens.  But as I get even older it hits me harder.  I’m not living my life, I’m hiding from it.  And it’s never going to change unless I change something myself.

I just ate a calzone and I’m feeling disgusting and wondering when I’m going to learn that eating shit makes me feel like shit.  I _know_ what I need to do to change my life, I’m just not doing it.

I never thought I’d be here at age 39.  When I was younger, 39 seemed so old.  I thought I’d be smart and mature and successful, not whining about not having my shit together.  In June I turn 40, and I’m truly determined to be living a different life by then.  I have roughly 10 months.

I’m moving from Massachusetts to Vermont in a couple weeks, and I’m hopeful that the change of scenery will enable me to get out more.  The challenge is that I’m a remote worker, which means I have very little contact with other humans on a daily basis.  It’s so easy to sink into a slothful state of being makeup-less and unshowered for days on end.  But I’m also moving down the street from family, and I think/hope that my sister and nephews will be reason for me to leave the house more often.  Plus, Vermont is beautiful and there’s plenty to do outdoors during every season (except some of summer, because I don’t do hot weather).

I don’t know where this next chapter leads, but I want it to lead somewhere.  I’m so mad at myself for getting into such a bad situation, but I’m ready to put the work in to reverse it.  I will log my wins, challenges, failures, goals, hopes and dreams in this blog.  I hope it’ll hold me accountable, but at the very least it’ll be an interesting journey.

Bye for now.